seems like it’s important enough to be a title. :)
so blessed. so so so so fortunate.
Jordan, worried about me being too worried, yelled at me not to worry. which, though he means only well, because who calls you to yell at you not to worry, makes me want to cry more.
I don’t know if it’s a sad day yet. It seems like technically I could say so, but that would seem like I’ve given up hope, and that’s not true at all.
Today I found out that my grandma, for all intents and purposes, my mom, the woman that more or less looked after me and took care of me and made sure I came home at night when I was seventeen, (no offense intended, actual mom, but it is true.) has suspicious masses in both of her breasts. She also has neuropathy and has severe hip pain and numbness in her feet. She just got out of the hospital months ago after having a mini-stroke because of blood clots in her lungs. So now this. Grandma Mary is a tank, she is made from that old type of hearty stock. But enough is enough. Something’s got to give.
She told me she has microcalcifications in her glands and that they’re itschu(?) I googled it and found that microcalcifications are common in woman after menopause and rarely are cancerous, but she said that itschu(?) was what her sister had when she had breast cancer. I tried to google itschu, but I came up with nothing. I don’t know how to spell it and grandma is probably just repeating it phonetically from what the foreign doctor said to her. All I can really say is that at this point we don’t know anything. It could be nothing or it could be awful. She’s on blood thinners from her blood clot episode so she has to go off of them for a little bit before she can get the biopsy done.
When I first heard, I was scared. Mainly, I was scared because on the phone she sounded so frazzled. She isn’t ever like that. She is steady, and as she has always told me, she “has big shoulders.” So after we got off the phone, I cried and panicked, and then prayed for her, just that He take care of her and comfort her. More than anything, I just want her to be comforted. So she went in after we spoke and had more tests. When I spoke to her afterwards, she told me she doesn’t think it’s cancer. She doesn’t feel like that’s what’s wrong. So hopefully, she’s right. I got a sense of calm. But when I started making dinner, I suddenly started crying again. This woman has always taken care of me and there is nothing I can do.
Anyways. I don’t know if it’s a sad day yet. Everything could be just fine. and I have faith and truly believe that she will come out all right. I repeat: no matter what she might say, she is a bull. No one could fight as hard as her.
really been focusing a lot on the house buy-age. after discussing with le crab, we have concluded it will be 18 months before we actively try to get a house. it’s absolutely for the best. we need time to save a lot of money and build up our credit.
I can’t stop thinking about the house though. dreaming, really, because all of my thoughts and hopes are drastically unrealistic. the things I want are expensive. lol and they’re expensive because I want things that are real and handmade, not because I have expensive taste. I don’t want marble. I want old hardwood. I don’t want a jacuzzi tub with therapuetic lighting. I want a clawfoot tub and candlelight. I can upcycle a lot of things I want as far as furniture for next to nothing. I want a cozy fireplace and a garage where we can make furniture. I want tomatoes and zucchini from the garden.
I want a Hogwarts themed nursery.
There was a time where nothing in the world terrified me more than the thought of having a baby. Even now, sometimes, when Kimmah really gets talking about it, the afterbirth, the epideral, all that jazz, it makes me start to hyperventilate a little bit. But I want a little crablet. I guess when I think of the house and I’m picturing painting the walls in diagonal stripes and birch wallpaper and big colorful artwork, I’m really picturing us taking the next step in our relationship. Snuggling up and settling down. In my mind, the house is small and quaint, not a bit bigger than it needs to be. It’s built for little potluck dinners and cuddling on the couch by the fire. It seems like the next step, like growing up, like building a life.
I’m twenty-six now. I don’t know anything. I especially don’t know if it’s time for this sort of thing, or if I’m being an idiot. Since I was seventeen, I’ve only been single for about a year and a half cumulatively. I liked being single and being alone and having time to myself. Am I ready for this? Is crab ready for this? I don’t know. I only know that I love him so much and that he is so good, just so good, that he is worth the risk of getting hurt and disappointed.
But yeah. so lately I have been buying home and garden magazines, writing down my ideas for what I want, looking at actual furniture projects to keep in mind. I am so excited to get started. I’m also at least 7% worried I will look back at this some day with my eyes swollen half shut, wondering why I ever thought things might actually end well.